white | black | yellow | green

Day 1: Do something to get you closer to a better tomorrow.

2011-06-05T16:24:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to church. A Catholic church. It's the first I've entered one in a long time with the exemption of the two weddings I've attended in a year. How the priest said his homily reminded me of my typical first-Fridays-of-the-month back when I was in grade 1-10. It doesn't always get to me. Then he said: "Bow your heads and pray." As I close my eyes, I only thought of praying for you.

Sana po, mabawasan yung sakit na alam kong nararamdaman nya ngayon. Na dulot ko at ng mga pagkakamali ko sa kanya. Alam ko po wala akong karapatang humingi ng tawad o ng isa pang pagkakataon pero gusto kong ako rin tumulong sa kanyang maging masaya ulit. Sana po, kung para siya sa akin, bigyan nyo po ako ng sign. Alam ko po matigas ang ulo ko. Na kahit siguro ipakita nyo sakin na dapat ko na siyang pakawalan ay hindi ko pa rin po susundin. Pero this time, susundin ko po kayo. Kayo po ang higit na nakakaalam kung ako pa rin ang para sa kanya sa kabila ng lahat. Please give me a sign. Mahal na mahal ko po siya. And if I'll have the chance again, I'll never throw that away again. Kung hindi man, gusto ko pong maging masaya siya ulit.

Today, I broke to tears and told Mama. Sabi nya, magiging maayos din lahat. Kung talagang para kami sa isa't-isa maayos ang lahat. I doubt it will. But I sure hope she right again this time.

truthfully.

2011-05-31T22:52:00.000-07:00

I have nothing else to say. Truth be told, I'm worn out. Unexpectedly, I'm back here.
Back to writing the depressing details of my unproportioned life.

First, I dont know how to start or where to start. The last years were always about us. Every step forward or backward was always made with you. Every weekend, as boring as it sometimes gets, was almost never without you. Every plan I may have tomorrow were build around us. And every happy memory I had in the past I wish was shared with you. Everything was You and I, together. How and where to start? No idea.

It was my fault. That much I know.

But that doesn't take away my right to feel. Many have gotten through this. I have, in the past. I know it wont be without having to go through the pain of remembering or forgetting or resenting or missing.

Second, I've forgotten how to be strong. Without you, it's just very difficult. You are the one person who always pushes me with encouragements and praises. Believing I can be great at anything. How can I be that without you?

Third, I cant, dont want to forget us. I dont want to let go of the dreams I have memorized in my mind about the life we dreamt of having together. I cant. I love you. Sometimes, for reasons that are not convincing. Sometimes, for reasons that are too ideal. I love you. I think you know the rest.

Remember when you told me you'll marry me? That it was just a matter of time and greens?
I was so happy, I had written what I want to say to you on that day. I had it saved on my email's draft folder for a while now:

"When I look at you standing before me now, I just see how much God truly loves me. Whatever was lost in my past, He replaced it with so much better and more beautiful, that is you. I know that from today, I will never feel alone and unloved. I promise to give you the same. I love you"

My time with you and my secret fairy tale is up.

...

2011-05-17T16:05:00.000-07:00

I have to let you go.

I dont know how or where to start. I dont even know if I can.

I smoke, I drink, I waste the days away.

I just want to feel okay, again.

Sana nababalik ang panahon.

Sana.

And then you're gone..

2011-04-25T22:47:00.000-07:00

...just like that.

It may be a surprise why all my shabby ramblings were scrubbed off. It had to go. To give way to the new things I have to tell.

Goodbyes are the hardest. Nothing can prepare you for it. Tears will fall. Not for long, I hope.

What will it take?

2011-04-18T19:13:00.000-07:00

...to be happy. Again.

Goobye.

That was your last word.

Dont we fit in each other's lives anymore? Have we outgrown each other?

We are different -- now. We let that tragedy consume us, that much I know.
Can we really go back to our own territories now? Do we even know where the lines were? Until this is answered, I will be silent. To think; to believe; to hope; that we can let go of what remains of what could have been our life together.

Yes, Ms. Gilbert?

2011-04-16T21:34:00.000-07:00

Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.

Because Fleetwood Mac's Dreams got me dreaming.

2011-04-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

School.

Spain.

New keyboard.

Cruise with Chan & Dani.

Work.

Love.

How can one joggle all?

Ah, take me Barcelona, there learn how to ride a bike. Wear a pretty floral skirt and a yellow ribboned hat. Bring Leica with me for a go see.

Walk the streets of Diliman. Make usual visits to the library. Wear shirts that make a statement. Have my favorite Mashitta every night.

Spend less on clothing and get a Piaggero.

Take the job with Dani & Chan. Have the time of our lives away from Manila. Send postcards from Europe.

Stay & wait for things to prosper in this thing I do best, teaching.

Get you to wile off in some French Chateau with me. Close to the sea. Give you meaningful kisses sun up, sun down.

I wonder where I can get super powers?

Roommate time spending

2011-04-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

Hey, just posing for the camera.

scratch.

2011-04-14T03:22:00.000-07:00

Alas! a fresh start. Beginnings are most beautiful.